The Guilt, Fear and Joy of Motherhood

Is motherhood supposed to be this heartbreaking?
Is it supposed to be so full of this fear, dread and guilt?
We wish the best for our kids. We want them to be the most athletic, the smartest, the most talented and sometimes they're just...not. Sometimes they're not extraordinary at anything in the world's eyes and you have to remind yourself that all you really want them to be is who they ARE. And happy.
We feel guilt that maybe they're not a piano prodigy because we didn't play Beethoven to them in the womb with headphones. We worry we didn't read them enough books when they were toddlers. We feel guilt that they learned to read by watching PBS.
We worry that they'll be bullied... we worry that they will BE the bully.
We dread the day that the innocent spark of youth will be lost from their eyes.
We fear the day they want to go to dance class in hot pants and a tank top instead of a pink leotard and a tutu.
We feel guilt because we haven't changed that chore chart in months or even made the kids do chores because it's too fun watching them squeal in delight on the wet trampoline.
We worry we're not giving our kids enough of us and too many "things."
We worry we're either too hard on them or not hard enough. Sometimes the intense love we feel for them rips our heart out again and again which we would gladly do because when it all comes down to it, we would die for our kids.
Then at the end of the day when we've yelled at them three times to brush their teeth and their lights are finally off all they want...at the end of the day... is US. They want mommy. We are ENOUGH for them and they are ENOUGH for us.

Siblings Stick Together

Growing up with a little sister 4 years younger than me, there were always neighbor girls and friends trying to come between us. The girls closer to my age would want to play with me and exclude Lynzi, and my mom would ALWAYS say "Sisters Stick Together." And that really stuck with me!  Now whenever that happens with Brighton and Deacon I say "Siblings Stick Together."
Since moving this Spring and leaving our old friends behind, Brighton and Deacon have become closer and relied on each other more as playmates. This was really the case during our trip to Arizona for our Flake family reunion. At first I was sad because Brighton didn't really fit in with the Flake cousins. She's kind of younger than the main group of cousins and the cousin her age is so used to tagging along with the older cousins, Brighton just didn't have a group. Stuff like that breaks my heart. I didn't really have cousins I was close with growing up and I always thought my kids would have tons of cousins their age, but because I waited a little longer to have kids, it's not really the case.  I was feeling bad for Brighton when I realized how cute she and Deacon were relying on each other.

I even captured a sweet moment at the Flake Family Rodeo when they were trying to chase the "money calf." Let's just say my kids are city folk! Deacon got rammed in the stomach by the calf and Brighton stayed behind to put her arm around him. It was so sweet. The pic is blurry cause I had to zoom way in, but you get the point.

First Golden Summer of Many to Come!

I love summer. And I love THIS summer. Really, when you think about it, I think this is the first of many golden summers yet to come. Last year Piper was barely 1 and hard to take anywhere and Deacon was 3 and still a "runner." The year before Pip was a newborn and Deacon was a major runner. The year before that Deacon was 1, the year before that he was a newborn, the year before that was In Vitro... the year before that Brighton was 2 and that was pretty do-able but I didn't really have any friends... and the year before that Brighton was 1.
 But THIS year things are GOOD! The week after school got out I was really itching for an adventure, so my friend Jessica and I took the kids to the greenbelt in Eagle and it was sooo nice and relaxing and summery.

I think Piper was giving me a blurry thumbs up.














Since then we've done Roaring Springs, Lucky Peak Sandy Beach twice, a trip to Island Park/Yellowstone with our friends the Stimpsons, several days in Idaho Falls while my car got fixed. (I ran over a scrap of metal on the highway and punctured my gas tank.) Lava hot springs where the kids did the water slide! Swim lessons and our neighborhood pool almost every single day! (Those were not in chronological order.) My kids are brown from the sun, my house is a mess, the only groceries in my fridge is fruit from the summer fruit stand and I have piles of laundry a mile high but I'm happy. :)

First and Last Day of 1st Grade!

I can't believe 1st grade is over! I spent a couple months adjusting/mourning Brighton being gone all day and just when I got used to it it was over!
Things gained in 1st grade:
   New friends: Best friends were Jordan, Sophia B and Aracely
   Great teacher: Mrs. "T" (Jill Tittsworth)
   Reading Skills: Went from barely reading to fluently reading 2nd and 3rd grade chapter books!
   Independence
   A new house!

Things lost in 1st grade:
   FIVE coats and jackets
   FOUR teeth
   THREE lunchboxes
   TWO pairs of shoes
   ONE house
  first                                                                             last

 

Mother's Day Pictures

I have a little tradition that I like to take pictures with my kids every Mother's Day. It's not often that we do one-on-one pictures with the kids, and I hope they'll be special to all of us when we're all old and stuff. So here are this year's pictures!

 And this picture of Piper is just too cute not to post. :)

Cereal Paradise and other Shenanigans

If these last two months or so have taught me anything about parenting, it's that it's best to laugh- whenever possible! Deacon has been up to many "shenanigans."   I think he's feeling uprooted by the move and feeling a bit left out because there are so many girls in the neighborhood and he's kind of the "odd boy out." So he's acting out both to torment the girls and to get my attention.
The first picture is what Deacon so aptly named "Cereal Paradise" which was when he took a full bag of strawberry mini-wheats and dumped them onto the trampoline. Why?... The better question is "why not?" I suppose. I can't get inside this kid's head.
A lot of the shenanigans happening around our house have involved nudity (which I can't post pictures of!) The younger two kids just won't stay clothed! Usually Piper gets in the water table or the sandbox completely naked.
The "incident" that took me a while to laugh about was "chocolate or poo?"  We gambled and lost during the last episode of that game Aaron and I like to play. I had JUST sat down upstairs to check email when Deacon came upstairs (naked) with a popsicle stick covered in something brown. The question "chocolate or poo" was quickly answered when he shoved it in Aaron's nose and told him to smell it. (Ew. That reminds me of when my brother used to make me "smell his finger." Serious EW.) Anyway, it was brought to me and upon going in the backyard we saw several Deacon patties on our mini trampoline we had at the time. Deacon who is FOUR decided to drop a few out there and then both kids jumped in it and played with it with popsicle sticks. WHY??!!  That was a doozy to clean up and involved both kids getting outdoor hose-showers.   Although it doesn't compare to my friend who told me today that her 3-year-old pooped his pants and put it in the DRYER and turned it on! I hope nothing ever compares to that one. :)
 Yesterday I started popping some corn with my air popper and then went to the bathroom while it was popping. When I was interrupted by Brighton screaming (why am I not allowed to pee uninterrupted?) I ran out and Deacon had taken the lid thing off and the popcorn was FLYING around the kitchen. He was screaming with such utter delight I couldn't help but laugh.
I know there have been about 50 other Deacon shenanigans but I can't think of them right now. ;) He's such a stinker but so sweet at the same time it's hard to stay mad!

Deacon at Four

 The day Deacon turned four, April 3rd, 2014 was actually the day we moved into our new house! So we didn't tell him it was his birthday. :) We waited a couple days and told him Saturday was his birthday and even though we were still moving in, my mom and dad were here so we took him to Red Robin for dinner and had a little party. Then the next weekend, we had his "friend party" which was pirate themed. And what do you do when you have 50-million moving boxes and Aaron for a dad? You make a ginormous pirate fort and a pirate ship out of boxes. It was pretty epic if I do say so myself.

For his birthday presents he really didn't need anything, so I got him a soccer ball and "made" him a sandbox in a long tupperware bin. I saw the brilliant idea on pinterest to make "moon sand" with sand, cornstarch and water. I spent like $50 on sand and cornstarch and mixed it all up in this huge container. It was super cool...until the next day when the moisture was gone and it was powdery sand that got EVERYWHERE and the kids couldn't leave it in the box and threw it at each other and tracked cornstarch through the brand spankin' new house. That was super smart. 

So here's Deacon at 4:

Super lovey. He will just snuggle with me and give me hugs and kisses unlike any of my other kids.

Super smart. He really started sounding words out before his 3rd birthday but is getting pretty good at reading short words now. 

Super funny. He likes to crack people up and will walk into the middle of a group of women and just say something really grown-up sounding just to make people laugh. He always does this crooked kind of smile and wink.

Super talkative! When we're in the car it's NEVER quiet. He always wants to play either 20 questions or some game he's making up on the spot. Usually Mario Brothers where we have to chose characters and then he basically tells me what to say. It goes something like this. 

D:" Who are you going to be?"

 Me: "Princess peach." 

D: "No you have to be toad. What color do you want to be?"

 Me: "Red". 

D: "No you're purple toad and you're in love with me.  Whoa, look at that cloud. (Now you're like 'let's go jump in it!')  

Me: "Let's go jump in it."

This can go on for an hour.  To be totally honest, I'm usually totally thinking about something else or listening to the radio and just mindlessly repeating what he's telling me to say. Sometimes it makes me lose my mind just a little. I should add it's constantly interrupted by Piper yelling "Piper's turn! I spy something black!" Then I have to alternate between guessing things for Piper and being purple Toad (and listening to Glenn Beck.) I'm digressing. Oh another car game Deacon likes is assigning numbers to inanimate objects and making me guess math equations. That one goes as follows:

D: "What's flower plus magnet?"

Me: "Uh, what is flower and magnet?"

D: "Flower is 5 and magnet is 37."

Me: "Uh, 43, wait, 42.... do an easier one."

D: "OK what's car plus polar bear?"

Piper "I something black!"

Me: "Is it the car? What's car and polar bear?...."

Again, this one can go on for a long time and also makes me slightly mental. Again I'm digressing. Basically Deacon is just a super sweet, smart, funny kid who I want to squeeze at every moment! (except when he poops on the trampoline which is a post to follow.)